Here’s How to Do It
I remember the conversation clearly. Mike, my business advisor and eventual mentor, said to me:
“John, you are a great leader of people just like you.”
Wow, what a compliment, right? Then Mike explained it wasn’t meant to be flattering. There is no one “just like you.” Everyone has their own unique perspective.
Doesn’t Anyone Think Like Me?
Mike then asked if I had siblings (I have 2 sisters). He proceeded to delve into my life and my sisters’ lives: our education, where we live, do we have kids? Pets? Honestly, I was getting annoyed. My sisters and I each lead different lives.
“And that’s the point, John! You grew up in the same house and share the same bloodline with your sisters. Yet, you approach life from varying perspectives.”
Of course, there was another lesson here. Mike praised me for taking the time to thoughtfully look at my sisters’ lives from their perspectives. Then he asked:
“Now John, can you do the same next time you’re in a conflict with your team, your client, anyone? Stop and think what life looks like from their angle. Unlike your sisters, you probably don’t know much about their perspective…so why not ask?”
Soon after these series of lessons, Mike helped me put his words into practice. Here’s what happened…
I was frustrated with my employees. As the company president, I had complete clarity on where my business was headed. Yet, my team couldn’t see my vision. To move forward, I needed their buy-in and support.
At our next strategic meeting, I would bust into the room and deliver a rousing, motivating speech. The speech would outline the company vision in a way that would inspire action! Let’s do this!
Wait. I had no idea how to inspire them, because I didn’t understand their perspectives.
From Leader to Listener: A Paradigm Shift
Mike suggested he facilitate the next meeting instead. His plan was to ask each employee in the meeting: where do you see the company going? What is YOUR vision? Only after listening to my employees, could I share my vision.
I was skeptical at first. Shouldn’t I lead the meeting…since I’m the company leader? I also struggled to sit there and listen – I mean really listen. I kept feeling the urge to sell my idea to the staff. However, I practiced active listening and started jotting down notes as each employee spoke. This visual cue that I was interested in their unique perspective seemed to motivate them.
By Mike facilitating the meeting, it created a neutral, safe environment. Everyone was speaking their truth. This is amazing, I thought!
Until one employee shared a vision that was so far removed from mine that I felt anger. My face went hot. It was the fight or flight reaction – and I wanted to fight for my idea. The “flight” reaction would have been to wrap up the meeting suddenly.
Thanks to Mike, I knew exactly what to do. It wasn’t easy. Instead of telling my employee he was absolutely nuts, I said 3 simple words.
3 Words That Can Solve Almost Any Conflict: “Tell Me More”
The employee seemed shocked at first. He knew his vision was the complete opposite of mine. He could probably see the steam coming out of my ears!
However, I let him speak – and even embraced his perspective by asking him to “tell me more.”
I now understood a safe environment was critical for the health of my team. They need to feel free to challenge me – and each other – without engaging in that primal fight or flight reaction.
Patrick Lencioni, renowned author of many great business books, and one of my personal favorites The Five Dysfunctions of a Team sees it this way:
“Failing to engage in conflict is a terrible decision, one that puts our temporary comfort and the avoidance of discomfort ahead of the ultimate goals of our organization. Conflict is always the right thing to do when it matters.”
Great companies, great teams, and great families function well because they’re willing to hear the truth from a different perspective.
It’s not just hearing another’s opinion, it’s attempting to understand it. You have to go there, even if you’d rather run away or fight it out.
It comes down to managing your emotions. It’s about knowing that fight or flight is going to come, you will feel it coming, but through awareness you can begin to manage it. Understand that certain people and situations can set you off more than others. Be ready. Stay aware. And resist the urge to fight or take flight.
Debate vs, Dialogue
Real growth comes when you understand the true value of dialogue versus debate. Before working with Mike, I preferred debate…with a clear winner and loser (and I hate to lose).
However, debates are often contentious. Disputes, arguments, and anger rules the conversation. How often have you debated with someone and at the end, they confess—you are right, I don’t know what I was thinking, you have won me over. Never. So why do leaders engage in hostile debates?
Dialogue on the other hand is defined as taking part in a conversation or discussion to resolve a problem. Wow, how much better does that feel?
David Bohm, American Scientist and researcher on thought and intelligence described dialogue as:
“The object of a dialogue is not to analyze things, or to win an argument, or to exchange opinions. Rather, it is to suspend your opinions and to look at the opinions — to listen to everybody’s opinions, to suspend them, and to see what all that means…. We can just simply share the appreciation of the meanings, and out of this whole thing, truth emerges unannounced — not that we have chosen it.
Today, I run my meetings – both group gatherings and individual one-on-ones – using dialogue over debate. I engage in active listening and truly embrace different perspectives.
The question is, do you now understand my perspective? Hopefully, the answer is “yes” and you can also begin building a safer, more open environment at your company.
John Ninkovich has been an entrepreneurial change agent for a number of businesses and professional organizations for over 25 years. As Founder and CEO of Performix Group, John works with CEOs, business owners, and leadership teams to focus on strategic planning and execution, leadership team development and alignment, and executive advisory and coaching.
John’s expertise is available through a variety of speaking engagements and workshops. He can be reached at john@performixgroup.com